Pimps get a bad rap.

I think that it’s fair to say that the media portrays pimps in a negative fashion, furthermore, the viewer only sees the tip of the world of pimpin’. We seldom think about the lower-level pimps who are just trying to get on top and get by, and yeah so what, getting by sometimes means employing some sexually promiscuous women that just happen to give out sloppy J’s.

These flesh mongers are no different then your boss, they have budgets, quotas and year end party’s that have hookers in attendance. Unlike your boss, a pimp will do anything to drive profits, especially in light of inflation, at times they can get abusive, but that’s only to pump sales.  Many pimps erect complex multi-tiered business’  that may include adult film making or drug distribution.  So, if you think about it, pimps are just managers, they’re curse is their ability to work with people; what’s so bad about that?

Let’s take a closer look…

Q: What do these things all have in common?

• Hand job
• Part-time job
• Blow job
• 9-5  job

A: They are all jobs.

If you are looking at getting into the industry, I have only one point of suggestion: Don’t get in the red… Get it?

Munchies: WTF

Consider me Leonardo Dicaprio from Titanic (except less gay), and allow me to paint you a picture:

SCENARIO: It is late. You are hungry (possibly under an influence). You might as well be clinically diagnosed with stage 5 fatal munchies syndrome (S5FMS). This dilemma is scary, uncomfortable and overwhelming. As your craving becomes more violent, you quickly weigh your options:

1. Order pizza. Tried, tested, true. However, due to the sheer urgency of the stage 5 red alert, you are unable to wait that long. You fear control will be lost, hunger will take over, and you will ultimately die.
2. Hit up china town. There’s something for everyone in china town. However, time is still not on your side no matter how convincing a temptress china town may be. Also, an irrational fear of drive-bys and hate crimes sways your vote (resulting ultimately in death).
3. You accept the cruel and increasingly obvious fate. You are destined to expire via starvation. You curl your weakened body into a fetal like position, and wait for the sweet, sweet release of death. You hope desperately that they have munchies on the other side of the gates…
4. WAIT! What the fuck were you thinking! MUNCHIES! This is exactly what your body, mind and spirit needs! Upon realization of this, you now realize you can no longer exist without the immediate consumption of Munchies brand party mix. You may or not be alone, but one thing is certain: A party is about to start. Location: Your mouth.

You manage to get your hands on a bag! This is not a miracle. You are fueled by an irrational urge to feast that may not be quench by the average obstacle. You get said bag, no matter what it takes. You pop it’s delicious, flavour sealing wrapping and the smell of assorted fake cheeses wafts into your welcoming nostrils. You begin to devour the mix as if it were your last supper.

However, you soon realize that there is a quickly increasing number of pretzels present in the mix. This is first confusing, but end result = upsetting. Allow me to explain:

Let’s not kid ourselves, everyone eats Munchies for the chips. And quite frankly, what’s not to love! Doritos, Sun Chips, Cheetos… fuck it! Even Hoops if you’re lucky! Each previously mentioned item bringing forth its own unique flavour and texture to result in a crescendo of flavour explosions! (Location: Your month). Coincidence? I think not. Each of these chips are of a cheesy variety. It’s perfect, it’s natural, it’s flawless.

My question: WHAT THE FUCK ARE PRETZELS DOING IN THE MIX!?

Don’t get me wrong, pretzels are good, but in moderation. I like to enjoy pretzels on my own terms, not as a heroic effort to finish an otherwise delicious bag of munchies.

• The texture: Dry, overly crunchy.
• The Taste: Bland, unimpressing.
• Strength Brought Forth: Yet to find one.

Essentially, I could live without these dry, evil debaucheries tainting my overwise heavenly bag of cheesy splendors! The ratio is upsettingly higher than what is practically desired (Pretzel to Cheesy Splendor Ratio, PCSR)! Nature is about carefully considered ratios. The Greeks figured this out thousands of years ago, but for some reason those MF’er can’t grasp the concept!! Fuck it right? What did the greeks ever get right?

1. Tzatziki. Greatest sauce ever. Enough said.
2. Democracy. Heard of it?
3. The Olympics. Special, or otherwise.
4. Anal sex.

End Result: A big ol’ FUCK YOU to whomever decided on this whorish PCSR! I wish upon you the cruelest of fates!! (being solely responsible for eating the leftover pretzels of every bag on munchies consumed from now until the demise of the world). AND! At no point are you allowed to quote Seinfeld in saying, “These pretzels are making me thirsty!”

Visual Interpretations of Common Clichés

the gift that keeps on giving

another one bites the dust

the early bird catches the worm

don’t count your chickens before they hatch

Shlumpkin

Formal Definition:

Imagine a pumpkin, except shitty… that’s exactly what it is.

Not only is this word an onomatopoeia, it also sounds exactly like what it is… wait.. never mind.

Examples in Speech:

1. “Gerald, don’t buy that one! It’s a total shlumpkin!”
2. “Oh wow, I didn’t realize shlumpkin pie was a new holiday tradition!?”
3. “Jesus Christ fairy god mother! I said a magic pumpkin not a horse drawn shlumpkin!”

How you know you’re dealing with a shlumpkin:

1. The pumpkin is visually damaged, degraded or molded.
2. It is carved in an excessively shitty manor (orifices are indistinguishable).
3. The so called “guts” of the pumpkin look even more like throw-up then usual.
4. It has been thrown through your windshield.
5. The pumpkin seeds have hatched into rabid troll babies.
6. It has been thrown at you by the Green Goblin (and is therefore explosive).
7. The pumpkin is being worn by some asshole with a knife.
8. Someone has physically shit on, inside, or in the immediate vicinity of said pumpkin.

How to deal with shlumpkins:

… there’s actually nothing you can do for these organic failures. Try again next year.

Variation: Shlumpking

Superlative form of shlumpkin, this is the limit of shittyness a pumpkin can achieve before words can no longer describe how shitty it is. Thus, the shlumpking is the ruler of all other shitty pumpkins.

Animal Movies BLOW

-This is a simple pie chart rating movies, past and present, who have animals as main characters (excluding animated films). The white portion of the pie chart represents films like Air-Bud and Beverly Hills Chihuahua, basically every film that has attempted to portray an animal as a lead character by personifying them in any way (like scoring touchdown); films like this make me want to shit on wood chips and then lick my own ass. The red portion of the diagram represents the film Homeward Bound which was AWESOME.

Meow meow!, ruff ruff! (just how your mother likes it)

Understanding Boner Situations

Erections… we’ve all had them (directed towards the male audience).

These amazing natural phenomenons occur frequently, and occasionally when you least expect them. Do you find yourself wondering whether your reaction to them is justifiable? Do you run and hide in shame? Do you flaunt it openly? Or do you quickly pull an up-tuck maneuver and hope no one notices? This is your opportunity to compare your reaction with the totally correct and scientifically proven data below.

The following is a graphical analysis linking the relative influence of understandability, appropriateness and embarrassment associated with a variety of boner situations.

(Clink to enlarge… if only it were that easy…)

• 0 -> 10 indicates a common Richter style categorization. Therefore, a 0-4 score would normally be considered a low rating.
• -10 -> 0 region is reserved for situation which would otherwise be unclassifiable under normal Richter rating constraints. These are situations of extreme inappropriateness, incredible non-embarrassment and complete non-understandability!

Not Your Average Bullies…

(Click to Enlarge)

NasCarma

Formal Definition: NasCarma

A specific branch of the better known, “Karma“. Traditionally originating in ancient India and treated in many philosophies (Hindu, Jain, Sikh and Buddhist). This is the law of deeds, where every action is rewarded or  reprimanded with future events. Thus, an individual is essentially in control of their fate.

NasCarma is the same in theory, but differs in context. NasCar fans are rarely rewarded for their existence (the fact that they are NasCar fans is reason enough for punishment). These people can be seen at the following locations:

1. The race track
2. Tailgating AT the race track
3. Wal-Mart buying Jeff Gordon, Tony Stewart, Bobby Labonte, Dale Earnhardt Jr paraphernalia
4. 7/11 getting giant slurpees
5. The abortion clinic
6. NOT at the dentist

Higher powers may punish these NasCar lovers for the following:

1. Excessive yelling, cheering, drinking or rowdiness (or any combination of the 4)
2. Excessive consumption of colossal hot-dogs, pizza pretzels, donuts, burgers, snow cones, etc.
3. Bankruptcy through hoarding of merchandise (includes: t-shirts, die-cast models, hats, posters)
4. General social ineptness

Most common examples of negative consequences given as punishment from higher powers:

1. Severe obesity
2. Mild retardation

Examples in speech:

• WHAT? You’re going to the Brickyard? Dude, watch out, I hear NasCarma’s a bitch!
• Honey, I think you’re putting on some weight, do you think it’s NasCarma?
• HAH! YES, that douche who parked his RV in my spot got a flat… that’s NasCarma!